What happened at Michigan Football’s hearing with the NCAA’s Committee on Infractions over the weekend? We may never know exactly, but here is a satirical breakdown, highlighting the NCAA’s hypocrisy, flimsy evidence and existential crisis:
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How Michigan Football’s NCAA COI hearing (probably) went
The NCAA is a joke, except jokes are usually funny. Despite being worthy of a laugh, the NCAA is laughable in a sad, nonsensical way. Like watching your boss struggle to open a Google Doc while you wonder how they get paid triple what you do.
Last week, the NCAA received a collective chortle from the American public by simultaneously hosting an infractions hearing for Michigan football while settling a $2.8 billion antitrust lawsuit. A lawsuit which, according to the AP , will create a Power Four-driven enforcement commission that is “essentially taking over for the NCAA, which used to police recruiting violations and the like.”
This dichotomy has come to define the NCAA, which for decades has fought to exploit amateur athletes while ruling with a totalitarian iron fist. To call the NCAA power-hungry would be an understatement. The NCAA is more control crazy than a kindergarten line-leader hopped up on Mountain Dew and excessive screen time. After all, this is an organization that once stripped Austin Peay of four timeouts due to wearing specialty Veteran’s Day jerseys to raise awareness for the Wounded Warrior Project, and scared Oklahoma into self-reporting three players for eating too much pasta at a graduation banquet.
But as the NCAA reluctantly begins to join travel agents on the island of irrelevance, the organization’s potential death rattle ruling is focused on Ann Arbor and the football team’s alleged sign-stealing scandal. Not much is known about the NCAA’s Committee on Infractions hearings, but The Detroit News’ Angelique Chengelis provided an excellent in-depth breakdown of the likely proceedings that took place on Friday and Saturday. I’ll help us fill in the rest.
“About two weeks before the COI hearing, everyone involved in the case receives documents with information from the investigation,” Chengelis wrote. “Those attending typically include the university president, in this case interim UM president Domenico Grasso, the former chancellor of the University of Michigan-Dearborn, who recently replaced Santa Ono. Athletic director Warde Manuel, the university’s outside lawyers and Michigan’s general counsel are expected to be there, as well as those named in the Notice of Allegations — Harbaugh, Moore, Stalions, former linebackers coach Chris Partridge and staffer Denard Robinson. While their attendance has been requested, it does not mean they all will appear. The enforcement staff is represented by three people: the primary investigator on the case, the director who oversaw the investigation and the vice president of enforcement.”
We know former head coach Jim Harbaugh was not present and, according to his attorney Tom Mars, was likely “tending his chickens.” However, in addition to a small fleet of attorneys, head coach Sherrone Moore, athletic director Warde Manuel, interim president Domenico Grasso, and the focal point of the scandal, Connor Stalions, were all there. There is still no official word on Denard Robinson or Chris Partridge.
Chengelis set the scene, which sounds awfully similar to a high school mock trial or an in-person, semi-regulated Reddit thread:
“The hearing is held in a large room and at the front, the COI members sit with the chairperson in the middle. Typically, the university members sit to the left facing the COI, with the president sitting closest next to the athletic director, and then the outside counsel, and then to the right sits the current head coach. Across the room will be the enforcement staff, including Jon Duncan, the vice president of enforcement and then the investigators and other staff members. Facing the COI are the at-risk individuals, Speegle said, and their lawyers behind them. An at-risk individual will not be in the room until his part of the case is discussed. A stenographer records the discussion.”
[Michigan contingent enters the room. Nobody says a word. Moore, Grasso and Manuel stare coldly ahead as the attorneys flanking them look as if they are walking down the entrance tunnel in The Horseshoe. Stalions lags a step behind with his Netflix money testing the seams of his wallet inside his back pocket.]
“It is not a courtroom and is out of the public eye,” Chengelis wrote. “No new testimony will be introduced, lawyers are not able to cross-examine individuals, and unnamed sourcing is permitted. It is the only opportunity for both sides to air their findings and challenges in real time.”
[Enforcement staff members shuffle their unnamed sources. Buckeye Scoop and x.com are visible as the pack of Wolverines pass by.]
“At the start of the hearing, formal language about the bylaws is read. Usually, the first person to speak is the university president, and Speegle (Attorney Clinton Speegle, who has participated in four NCAA COI hearings) said that sets the tone describing how the university reacts to the charges and facts from the investigation. Each individual facing violations also has a chance to speak.”
NCAA: Hear ye, hear ye! We now commence the execu–I mean the hearing pertaining to the investigation into the University of Michigan’s alleged illegal scouting/sign-stealing scheme.
[The speaker reads through various bylaws that pertain to antiquated amateurism, pasta regulation, and anything that could siphon control away from the NCAA. The banging of a rubber hammer squeaks and echoes throughout the room.]
Grasso: We are gathered here today to address what we already know. Although no new testimony can be introduced, I was in Dearborn when the Notice of Allegations was served and would like to offer mine in a sense. I will be re-reading Michigan’s 137-page NOA response from January, when my predecessor — Santa Ono, who just updated his LinkedIn to “Open to Work” — was still presiding over the university. Please hold your applause.
[At the conclusion of Grasso’s lengthy recital, Moore and Stalions are each given an opportunity to speak. Moore passes; Stalions, who is now wearing sunglasses, stands, adjusts his glasses and what appears to be an attached fake mustache, says nothing, and sits back down.]
“The COI then begins reading the allegations with the facts to support them and Michigan responds,” Chengelis wrote. “Once all of the at-risk individuals have spoken, the committee starts lobbing questions and the lawyers representing Michigan can ask questions. There’s no direct communication, however, between the lawyers and enforcement staff. One aspect frustrating to Speegle, he said, is that it is not uncommon for the NCAA to have unnamed sources.”
NCAA: Sherrone Moore. You deleted 52 text messages between yourself and Connor Stalions. We have since recovered those texts, and although nothing involving signs was in the messages, why did you make us work this hard to retrieve them? You should have generously provided us access to all of your personal information despite our outstanding reputation for leaks within our organization. Furthermore, we also discovered you and Stalions planned to ‘grab a burger’ at Rappourt and ‘talk ball.’
“Connor Stalions. Although our investigators uncovered very little due to your lack of cooperation, according to anonymous sources with a 614 area code and, from what I’ve gathered, a peer-reviewed documentary on Netflix, you are alleged to have advanced scouted numerous Michigan opponents. Also in our investigation, we uncovered you drive a green car and like to drink soda.
Michigan’s legal team: Are you serious?
NCAA: Do not make a mockery out of the NCAA, sir! Without us, who else could blur the lines between amateurism and indentured servitude so blatantly? Who else could police portion sizes and limit teams from playing too much laser tag ?
Manuel: When is lunch again?
Michigan’s legal team: Okay. The University of Michigan has already proposed a two-game suspension for head coach Sherrone Moore next season to “atone” for not sharing his text messages or dinner plans with the NCAA investigators. As for Mr. Stalions, he has informed us he would like to respond on his own behalf.
Stalions: Suck it.
[Stalions concluded with a DX-inspired crotch chop and took his seat.]
NCAA: Why didn’t you cooperate with investigators, Mr. Stalions?
Stalions: Why would I?
NCAA: We are the NCAA! The governing body of college athletics.
Stalions: Didn’t you just settle a multi-billion-dollar lawsuit due to the futility of your governance a few hours ago?
NCAA: That is not relevant here, sir!
Stalions: I no longer work for the NCAA. What are you going to do? Fire me from a job I don’t have? Also, that’s a nice exit sign. It would be a real shame if someone—
NCAA: Don’t you dare—
Stalions: Stole it.
[The enforcement staff members serving as pseudo plaintiffs in these proceedings have been silent until this point.]
Enforcement staff: We have it here, on good authority, that Mr. Stalions orchestrated a vast network of spies to steal signs and directly fed his findings to coaches during games.
Michigan legal team: Is that from Twitt—
NCAA: SILENCE! There is no cross-communication allowed between the enforcement staff and the Michigan representatives.
Enforcement staff: We have several sources, who wish to remain anonymous, who have definitely proven there is no way Michigan could have beaten Ohio State four years in a row.
NCAA: So, you are suggesting the sign stealing is why Hassan Haskins rushed for 169 yards and five touchdowns in 2021? The signs are why Ohio State refused to stop playing variations of man-to-man defense in 2022 and allowed Donovan Edwards to rush for over 200 yards in Columbus. The stolen signs are why Rod Moore called game in 2023. The stolen signs are what allowed Davis Warren to orchestrate a nine-minute drive and the Michigan defense to limit the eventual national champions to ten yards of offense in the fourth quarter. Just like Clemson in 2020 , that is the only reason the Wolverines were able to win. Is that what you are suggesting?
Manuel: Seriously, when’s lunch?
Enforcement staff: Precisely!
NCAA: Is that also what happened against Georgia in the Peach Bowl ? And Oregon in the 2024 and 2021 regular seasons?
[Papers are shuffled around the enforcement table. “Eleven Warr” is visible atop one document, but is cut off, as is Third Day Investigations.]
Enforcement staff: We, uh, do not have the information at hand to confirm or deny that reasoning.
Michigan legal team: We will now rewatch every play from the Michigan vs. Ohio State games of the last four years with Moore offering key insight into every decision.
[The NCAA calls for a lunch break shortly after J.J. McCarthy’s second touchdown pass to Cornelius Johnson during the 2022 game. An unconfirmed, “Finally!” was uttered from the Michigan side of the room. After lunch, the game film continues as Moore dissects every play call in great detail, offering an explanation and elaboration behind every decision. Including what Stalions was whispering (“So, do you think jorts are back?”) in former defensive coordinator Jesse Minter’s ear to combat rival fans’ online smoking gun theory. At the conclusion of the 2024 game as Davis Warren takes a knee to secure one of the biggest upsets in the history of the rivalry, the session is adjourned until Saturday.]
NCAA: We shall resume tomorrow to conclude these proceedings.
[Stalions, who has been asleep for the better part of an hour, startles awake and walks out with the rest of the Michigan contingent.]
“The COI then gets to the meaty part of the case, and that’s the Level I aggravators and mitigators,” Chengelis wrote. “By that point, Speegle said the committee members already have a feeling where each violation falls in the penalty matrix.
“It’s probably the most important, often overlooked part, arguing the additional mitigators that we believe should apply and why certain aggravators should not apply,” Speegle said.”
“Closing statements, which typically are short, conclude the hearing.”
[The next day, the two sides and the NCAA COI again take their respective seats. Nothing has changed except Stalions is now wearing a tuxedo T-shirt and jorts that extend beyond the knee.]
NCAA: Today, we will look at our penalty matrix.
Michigan legal team: Are those googly eyes glued to a monster at the top level?
NCAA: In fact, they are. This matrix has been used to determine every NCAA punishment since the 1980s. At the top, you will see the monster, signifying the highest level of infractions. The second level is a picture of Harambe for obvious reasons. And the bottom level is a picture of John Malkovich.
[The silence in the room rivals only that of The Horseshoe after Donovan Edwards’s 80-yard touchdown in 2022.]
NCAA: Let’s get into our closing statements.
Enforcement staff: We thank you for your time, patience, and willingness to overlook the fact we are actively being sued into oblivion.
Let us not forget the heart of this matter: Michigan football stole signs. Allegedly. Possibly? Yes, we have no concrete evidence tying these actions directly to the coaching staff. Yes, our investigation relied heavily on online forums, body language experts, and the belief that Michigan just couldn’t possibly be this good. Do we know for certain the signs were stolen? No. But can we prove they weren’t? Also no. And in the justice system of the NCAA, what more do we need?
In conclusion, Michigan must pay. Not because the evidence demands it, but because if we don’t penalize someone soon, we might have to admit we’re obsolete. And we’re simply not ready for that kind of self-awareness.
Michigan legal team: We appreciate the opportunity to clarify, again, the University of Michigan has already acknowledged any perceived procedural missteps and extended good-faith cooperation wherever the concept of due process has even loosely applied. Michigan has owned what is substantiated, addressed what is warranted, and exercised transparency in the face of an investigation that, at times, has felt more crowdsourced than credible.
We urge the Committee to weigh not just the facts — what few verifiable ones exist — but also the troubling lack of precedent for this kind of enforcement. The case at hand is built on circumstantial interpretations, unverifiable third-party accounts, and internet sleuthing. When the line between investigative rigor and message board mob rule becomes indistinct, the risk of delivering punishment for perception’s sake, rather than principle’s, grows dangerously high.
Are we here to uphold the integrity of the game, or to stage a symbolic show of force in hopes of reminding people the NCAA still exists? Finally, we ask that Connor Stali—
Stalions: Actually, I would like to say something. I would like to submit my own closing argument in the form of a haiku:
‘Signs were there to see
But truth is, you can’t coach dumb
Go Blue, and suck it.’
[Moore cracked a brief smile, and the NCAA Committee leader cracked his plastic hammer to conclude the hearings.]
And with that, the curtain closes on what was likely the NCAA’s final attempt at posturing before irrelevance swallows it whole. Now, we wait. Roughly 8-12 weeks to be exact, and, in typical NCAA fashion, expect closer to 12. This dying carcass of an organization will want to stretch out its perceived importance as long as possible, while also coinciding with Michigan’s season opener against New Mexico.
When an organization drives as many laughs as the NCAA, it will want the last one to be the loudest. Even if it comes at its own expense.